the college dropout.

i shouldn`t have to do something i`m not happy doing.

now let me put some truth on you & shed some light on myself:


i have 5 classes & one lab.

i guarantee you that i am behind and/or failing ALL of them. i have no books because i decided to spend my money on a phone. . . .which is granted was fucked up but i wanted this phone & the books would not have made a difference anyway because i wouldn`t have done the work. Honestly. i would never have opened them. maybe to LOOK in it. but the only time i would read it would be an hour before a test.

theatre - got kicked out of my practicum play thingy today which means i failed the class. don`t know how my professor's is gonna help me out with this. this is the catalyst to my hidden depression.

computer science - i have turned in absolutely nothing. i mean we have do these 100 questions thingies & honestly i haven`t even logged on blackboard to look at them, the only reason i know about them is because i caught a glimpse of it in class & was like 'what`s that?'. my teacher is asian & has an accent. i just can`t listen to what she`s saying.

chemistry & lab - i just haven`t went to it in almost 3 weeks. i`m planning to drop that class . . . i just haven`t gotten around to it. i really hate that guy. his voice puts me to sleep when i`m wide awake.

dmvt math - i just don`t have the attention span to do math online. it has to be right in front of me for me to do work & most of my classes aren`t like that, so it just doesn`t get done. let`s not forget i didn`t pass this same class last semester.

english - i`m fairing better with this class, but i just will not do my homework. i don`t have the book. i`m gonna actually get this one... but my professor sucks ass.

& you know what the bad thing is? i just don`t care about school. like not one ounce of me gives a fuck about how my grades look. i can`t even stand teh subjects i like. ugh, i just want to die before i stay in college until 2012.

i want to drop out & you can have whatever opinions about my character that you want. . . so i`m going to say this now & for forever, fuck you.


this isn`t another blog where i`m justifying my actions or wanting you to agree with what i`m doing because frankly, you don`t know what i go through. i just want to cry sometimes. i`m lazy, i acknowledge this. maybe i`m going through what i went through in high school of how i just wasn`t prepared for college. i never developed good study habits & i`m so idle here it just never crosses my mind. when i`m in class i`m like . . . why am i here? i`m sick of this. i need to be in school part time instead of full time because i can`t handle the demands that come a long with living on campus. maybe i`m so lazy i just want to sit on my bum all day. maybe. but that`s better to me than wasting my money on something i don`t even see as necessary. i can`t even begin to tell you why i`m in school or what i want to do in life that doesn`t involve music. i`m so unhappy. i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE doing work. . . even if it`s easy, i still won`t do it. i`ll look at it like . . . what`s the point? i don`t care. sometimes i feel like i want to kill myself. i drive myself crazy. my life sucks. i would rather die than become a failure. i have been integrated for so long that not going to college makes you a loser, but so many successful people have not gone to college. i just don`t like it. i wanted to leave the first week i came here & nothing has changed. you think it would by now? 6 months in, but it hasn`t. i`m fed up. if you think college is all peachy & what the media portrays of it. . . think again because however you expected college to be 9 times out of 10 it isn`t. my reasons for wanting to drop out is not because i party or drink, or whatever, but i honestly hate it. i hate everything about college. the lifestyle. the partying. the classes. there isn`t one part i like about it. i`m not even a partyer; the last one i went to was on halloween & i don`t drink. i haven`t made a lot of friends. i just don`t want to or see the need to. i hate it here. i don`t see a need to socialize because i`m satisfied with being alone. i`d rather be alone than talk to anyone here. i`m so unhappy i just don`t talk about how much i think my life has gone downhill since i walked across that stage on June 2, 2008. my life is meaningless to me now. i don`t have any friends here, i`m struggling to past the easiest classes, NONE of my friends, even my best friends, understand me. it makes me want to cry because i just can`t explain what`s going on with me. but i know school just isn`t it. i hate it so much. people keep trying to justify what i`m going through without understanding what I FUCKING SAYING. sometimes i just stare out the window & wish i was home. i wish i could just pack up & leave. don`t get me wrong, i still have good moments, but the bad outweighs the little good.

i need to transfer to a community college. i know for sure now. i don`t know how much longer i can take this without going crazy. why should i have to be the one to be forced to go to college? when 90% of my family didn`t go?

no point. i shouldn`t be forced. i can survive off of not going. i just need to figure out what i want to do & college is not helping me whatsoever. it`s just making me realize that my hatred for school goes deeper than what i thought before. i`m wasting everyone`s time & money. especially myself.

i`m just gonna fall into obliqueness. i`ve given up on school. i`m just waiting. but if i could leave & resume my 12th grade year in high school. i would love that. i would love to go back to high school. but i can`t live this anymore. i am unhappy. no friends, no money, no life. . . i have nothing here. i`m going crazy, so my only resource is music.

if i could die, honestly, i would opt for that instead of living how i`m living. that`s how strongly my disdain for college is.

i`m just going to be looked down upon by all of my friends.

well i don`t care i`m beginning to think i don`t need anyone. atleast my mom halfway understands what i`m going through. she is the only one. maybe certain friends, but everyone else, they just think i`m lazy, dumb, & ignorant. idk i just don`t have a reason to live.

i`ve always been different. i don`t fit into most places i go with the vast majority of people. i have weird shit about me. it has been like this for my entire life. i use to try to fit in when i was a kid, then when i got older, i just stopped. i don`t know why, it just has never been able to happen for me. i can`t even fit in with the vast majority of people who go to college. fucked up. i`m just too different for everyone. i just want to be happy & i`m obviously not happy living this lie. i would rather go into the army & risk my life than do this. . . honestly (not saying i would do it but i`m making a point). atleast that is more exciting than this shithole i`m living. nothing about college is exciting, hate school, hate drinking, hate smoking, hate casual sex, hate being broke, hate eating this crap ass food, hate living in the dorms, hate studying, hate class, hate teachers, hate doing homework, hate sleeping on this hard ass matress, hate using these broken washers/dryers, hate most of the ppl here, hate having to clean & line up the toilet before i poop... the freedom aspect is a place but not a necessity even though my mom get`s on my fudging nerves sometimes. . . or most of the time.

i have good ideas sometimes, i need to learn how to convey. . . i wanted this blog to be different but this whole theatre thing . . . i`m just not in a happy mood & i`m not about to fight for something i do not care for.


God, help me. i`m going insane.