Every winter was a war, she said. i've got to get what's mine.

Ah...my head is spinning right know. Ahehehehe....youre just making me spin around in circles and I have no idea what to do.

Each day I get even more depressed with myself. My self esteem is actually rising while my morale and confidence is slowly falling. It's like weighing them both on a scale...the scale being me...but the effects are working more in reverse. This Penn State thing is really getting to me...it's driving me nuts. I couldnt sleep last night thinking about it...I really want to get into University Park. IDC about not being on campus cause I can always find off campus housing...I just want to live the college life that I wanted. I want to be close to my good friends and not freakin 3 hours away! Hopefully En is right and it wont be 3 hours away cause I'll be dead lol.

I really wanted to blog about something else but i can't remember right now...this is by far one of my shortest blogs on here but oh well lol.

EDIT (8:41 pm): I finally figured out what I wanted to blog about. People who try to hard to be creative. Everything is readily available for anyone these days...you can make music with a program called Fruity Loops and anyone who picks up a pencil and writes at least 2 stanzas with rhyming words is automatically deemed as a poet. Thats the most annoying thing that I've heard it. It takes away from the literary merit of the real people who actually have good ideas. I can see someone who wants to try it out and stuff, but just because a few hood rats say "Ooo that was deep." does not mean youre a poet? My god I've met so many "poets" throughout my life...seems like everywhere you turn theres a "poet". Turn to my left...random fat girl writes poetry now she's a poet, turn to my right...my cat is writing words in her stank ass poop...Ooo thats deep, she must be a poet. Poetry is so loosely given to someone who can rhyme a few lines these days...its ridiculous. I told Morgi3 I would write about a banana split and have a few rhyming lines here and there and I'll become a poet.

Stupid poets...I dont like them.

- DI

fricker frat

sigh.

so penn state returned my email and they told me i should probably look for off campus housing.

that isn't sitting with me well.

i'm b/w numbers 145 and 151.

wtfh!!!

ughh, i don't want off campus housing!

look, i started shaking.

very unfortunate.

but anywho,

i downed like 6 pills today.

thats fricken ridiculous.

i need to stop doing that,

but i was in painnnnnnn.

sigh.

woo!

besides my killer stomach pain i had a swell and productive day.

although niggas got me mad b/c people don't know wtf to say out their damn mouths.

smfh.

but w/e.

i finally signed up for my checking card.

yayayayaya!

it should be here in like a week or so.

i can't wait to order my minnetonkas [minnokanokas] =]

lol

out of this whole week [mon-fri] i spent about 70 dollars.

=/

and i'm downing more tomorrow for my permit.

[hopefully i pass]

&i'm downing more monday for my tattoo.

isn't that bad?

smh, i can't stop!!!!

imma work on it though.

i had hopes of getting my tattoo tomorrow.

thats why you can nvr depend on black people,

smh. 

always fuggin up plans.

i better get that shit monday too!

hmph.

ooo, so on the trip that i went to on wednesday,

we watched this video about shark fin soup.

it was utterly saddening.

the video showed how like fisherman would catch sharks,

cut off their fins and throw them back into the water.

apparently shark fins are worth more than the actual shark 

so rather than keeping the whole shark wasting room on their boat,

they decide to let it bleed to death in the water!!!

i cried.

like i really did, i literally cried.

it's sad.

i feel so bad b/c i eat fish

& i'm sure they get tortured just the same.

so i'm trying to gradually stop eating fish.

i haven't eaten fish all week besides the day of the trip.

i'm getting sick of it anyway.

i told my mom that i wanted to stop eating fish and she got mad at me.

but i have tooo. i feel so bad.

my friend diana was telling me how she saw a beagle lying on some train tracks yesterday afternoon while she was running.

the poor dog was bleeding to death.

it's whole back was cut and so was it's legs.

they called the animal people to come get it.

luckily she was at the right place at the right time or that poor helpless dog would have died.

i got teary eyed.

i'm such a bitch.

but thats so saddd.

it annoys me sometimes when people always joke about like this whole animal shit with me.

like i didn't fuckin stop eating meat b/c i thought it was cool or some shit.

i actually care about animal cruelty

but psfft, niggas will be niggas.

i really hope i can stop eating fish.

like imma cut how much of it that i eat b/c i wanna be a complete and full veghead.

i hope i keep this up in college.

sigh college =/

i gotta start looking up this off-campus house shit or i'm be fuckin SOL living on the damn streets and shit.

sighsighdoublesigh.

imma try to be optimistic.

but umm, yeah.

i think i'm done.

i had more to say but i feel nauseous so...

peace<3

the college dropout.

i shouldn`t have to do something i`m not happy doing.

now let me put some truth on you & shed some light on myself:


i have 5 classes & one lab.

i guarantee you that i am behind and/or failing ALL of them. i have no books because i decided to spend my money on a phone. . . .which is granted was fucked up but i wanted this phone & the books would not have made a difference anyway because i wouldn`t have done the work. Honestly. i would never have opened them. maybe to LOOK in it. but the only time i would read it would be an hour before a test.

theatre - got kicked out of my practicum play thingy today which means i failed the class. don`t know how my professor's is gonna help me out with this. this is the catalyst to my hidden depression.

computer science - i have turned in absolutely nothing. i mean we have do these 100 questions thingies & honestly i haven`t even logged on blackboard to look at them, the only reason i know about them is because i caught a glimpse of it in class & was like 'what`s that?'. my teacher is asian & has an accent. i just can`t listen to what she`s saying.

chemistry & lab - i just haven`t went to it in almost 3 weeks. i`m planning to drop that class . . . i just haven`t gotten around to it. i really hate that guy. his voice puts me to sleep when i`m wide awake.

dmvt math - i just don`t have the attention span to do math online. it has to be right in front of me for me to do work & most of my classes aren`t like that, so it just doesn`t get done. let`s not forget i didn`t pass this same class last semester.

english - i`m fairing better with this class, but i just will not do my homework. i don`t have the book. i`m gonna actually get this one... but my professor sucks ass.

& you know what the bad thing is? i just don`t care about school. like not one ounce of me gives a fuck about how my grades look. i can`t even stand teh subjects i like. ugh, i just want to die before i stay in college until 2012.

i want to drop out & you can have whatever opinions about my character that you want. . . so i`m going to say this now & for forever, fuck you.


this isn`t another blog where i`m justifying my actions or wanting you to agree with what i`m doing because frankly, you don`t know what i go through. i just want to cry sometimes. i`m lazy, i acknowledge this. maybe i`m going through what i went through in high school of how i just wasn`t prepared for college. i never developed good study habits & i`m so idle here it just never crosses my mind. when i`m in class i`m like . . . why am i here? i`m sick of this. i need to be in school part time instead of full time because i can`t handle the demands that come a long with living on campus. maybe i`m so lazy i just want to sit on my bum all day. maybe. but that`s better to me than wasting my money on something i don`t even see as necessary. i can`t even begin to tell you why i`m in school or what i want to do in life that doesn`t involve music. i`m so unhappy. i HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE doing work. . . even if it`s easy, i still won`t do it. i`ll look at it like . . . what`s the point? i don`t care. sometimes i feel like i want to kill myself. i drive myself crazy. my life sucks. i would rather die than become a failure. i have been integrated for so long that not going to college makes you a loser, but so many successful people have not gone to college. i just don`t like it. i wanted to leave the first week i came here & nothing has changed. you think it would by now? 6 months in, but it hasn`t. i`m fed up. if you think college is all peachy & what the media portrays of it. . . think again because however you expected college to be 9 times out of 10 it isn`t. my reasons for wanting to drop out is not because i party or drink, or whatever, but i honestly hate it. i hate everything about college. the lifestyle. the partying. the classes. there isn`t one part i like about it. i`m not even a partyer; the last one i went to was on halloween & i don`t drink. i haven`t made a lot of friends. i just don`t want to or see the need to. i hate it here. i don`t see a need to socialize because i`m satisfied with being alone. i`d rather be alone than talk to anyone here. i`m so unhappy i just don`t talk about how much i think my life has gone downhill since i walked across that stage on June 2, 2008. my life is meaningless to me now. i don`t have any friends here, i`m struggling to past the easiest classes, NONE of my friends, even my best friends, understand me. it makes me want to cry because i just can`t explain what`s going on with me. but i know school just isn`t it. i hate it so much. people keep trying to justify what i`m going through without understanding what I FUCKING SAYING. sometimes i just stare out the window & wish i was home. i wish i could just pack up & leave. don`t get me wrong, i still have good moments, but the bad outweighs the little good.

i need to transfer to a community college. i know for sure now. i don`t know how much longer i can take this without going crazy. why should i have to be the one to be forced to go to college? when 90% of my family didn`t go?

no point. i shouldn`t be forced. i can survive off of not going. i just need to figure out what i want to do & college is not helping me whatsoever. it`s just making me realize that my hatred for school goes deeper than what i thought before. i`m wasting everyone`s time & money. especially myself.

i`m just gonna fall into obliqueness. i`ve given up on school. i`m just waiting. but if i could leave & resume my 12th grade year in high school. i would love that. i would love to go back to high school. but i can`t live this anymore. i am unhappy. no friends, no money, no life. . . i have nothing here. i`m going crazy, so my only resource is music.

if i could die, honestly, i would opt for that instead of living how i`m living. that`s how strongly my disdain for college is.

i`m just going to be looked down upon by all of my friends.

well i don`t care i`m beginning to think i don`t need anyone. atleast my mom halfway understands what i`m going through. she is the only one. maybe certain friends, but everyone else, they just think i`m lazy, dumb, & ignorant. idk i just don`t have a reason to live.

i`ve always been different. i don`t fit into most places i go with the vast majority of people. i have weird shit about me. it has been like this for my entire life. i use to try to fit in when i was a kid, then when i got older, i just stopped. i don`t know why, it just has never been able to happen for me. i can`t even fit in with the vast majority of people who go to college. fucked up. i`m just too different for everyone. i just want to be happy & i`m obviously not happy living this lie. i would rather go into the army & risk my life than do this. . . honestly (not saying i would do it but i`m making a point). atleast that is more exciting than this shithole i`m living. nothing about college is exciting, hate school, hate drinking, hate smoking, hate casual sex, hate being broke, hate eating this crap ass food, hate living in the dorms, hate studying, hate class, hate teachers, hate doing homework, hate sleeping on this hard ass matress, hate using these broken washers/dryers, hate most of the ppl here, hate having to clean & line up the toilet before i poop... the freedom aspect is a place but not a necessity even though my mom get`s on my fudging nerves sometimes. . . or most of the time.

i have good ideas sometimes, i need to learn how to convey. . . i wanted this blog to be different but this whole theatre thing . . . i`m just not in a happy mood & i`m not about to fight for something i do not care for.


God, help me. i`m going insane.

Bout to slap a bitch

IJSFHNWJGNWERT4 man wtf. Okay so I requested off of work until next weekend right...and regardless they still put me on the schedule for Sunday morning. Ugh I'm aggravated because I really hate working on Sunday morning because I have to get up so early. Like 9:45 am...who in the hell wants to get up @ 945 to go to work? I know I dont...especially when Saturday is the day before and I dont like going to sleep early on basically the last day of the weekend. They kept calling me, but I didnt answer my phone on purpose because I kinda knew they would try to get me to do something stupid like this. Not like its a problem that can't be fixed though.

Anywayyyyy...Ive been super sick ALL week with the flu. It's a horrible experience, my schedule is all fucked up because my body just wants to sleep all damn day even though I dont want to. I was supposed to go out and run with Ous but I didnt cause my dumb ass fell asleep from 1 to 5 pm lol. I also missed school until today so Im probably missing hella work that Im not going to feel like making up. Speaking of Penn State though (En)...Im still waiting to hear back from these fools...more than likely I probably wont get into University Park because theres probably too many ppl in there already and I'll probably get waitlisted as well. *sigh* If I dont get into University Park then there'll be no more Track in my life which will be sad, but ehhh I'll have to suffice. Idk what Imma do if I dont have track...its been apart of my life for some 5 years now. I would be compelled to do something else athletic because I wouldnt be able to stand just getting out of shape and having a flabby body (yuck). I would probably go to the gym everyday and just bulk up and also mix it up with running, but boy oh boy theres never anything like going out for an official day of practice.

Oh yeah so I found out that Abington doesnt have dorms BUT you can get an apartment and pay the rent with financial aid so at least if I dont get into UP then I'll still be going to Penn State! Woo...too bad I'll be a good 3 hours away from the rest of my friends from HS who are going there which is sad lol. I looked up some people from Abington and needless to say they all arent crazy white ppl ready to lynch a black person when they see one. Its actually 11 miles away from Philly too, so if theres some kind of public transpo over in that boony as place they call Abington I'll probably be in Philly all the time and then go back home to my Apartment which I'll probably be sharing with a roommate(s) so that we can split the rent! Hey that actually does sound cool...but fuck that I wanna run! I'll pay a few extra thousand just to run lol.

- DI

hehehehehhe, youre a loser! but thats why youre mineeeeeeee.

seven years.

ehh, b4 i start blogging i wanna say this:

i know i'm kinda late commenting about this,

but you guys shouldn't get mad about someone saying something about you.

if you believe that it clearly isn't true brush it off and move on.

i understand venting was needed, but ehhh.

don't worry about peoples speculations of you and keep on pimpin.

hehe

sigh,

i had a teriffic day.

my mood just went down b/c i found out that after i accepted my penn state ish i was put on the waiting list for housing.

kinda worried.... =/

i'm desperatley hoping that everything works out.

it has tooooo.

geez. sigh.

so i got my cpu back and working!

woooo.

i'm madd pump.

i missed martha soooo much.

although they had to do some stupid system recovery and i lost all my shit >;o

it's better than not having a cpu at all.

haha.

i don't think i'm gonna stay on the cpu long b/c i actually like sleeping early.

gofigure.

but yeah,

so today was sweet.

AP BIO, some biochem seniors &some other randoms went on a trip to the UMBI.

[i would say what 'UMBI' stood for but i forgot. lol, i know it's some marine biology thing though. ha]

&we did an electrophoresis lab,

i had intentions on it being boring and just went just to go 

but the lab was pretty niice.

after the lab some of us went to the cheesecake factory.

lallalaala;

ooo, i was introduced to a horrid ass sandwich called portobello on a bun.

i was so fascinated, i watch de eat it.

yuckyuckyuck

haha,

so we had to speed eat and get the bill so we could be at the bus stop for 1:15.

so me, de, enyo, ash and kevon ran down the street while cia, mavis, and simone were like soooo behind.

it was so funny b/c de keep yelling 'marcia please' in like the most oddo voice ever.

lmfaooo.

*dies laughing*  

okay, it may not sound funny, but it was hilar.

ahhh, fun fun. =]

yayah,

i'm trying to manage my money better.

i only spent $27 so far this week.

thats really good.

lol

&this weekend i'm suppose to be getting all my shit.

permit, tattoo, and credit card!!!!

about fuckin time.

geez louise.

jefhjehjghrjh,

so urmmm,

i need my hair done.

this past week i've just been slapping a headband on it and bam, 

thats my hair doooo.

thank gawd i get it done friday though.

urmm,

so yeah i'm coming to an end.

i'm not dwelling.

it's still present, but i must not dwell!

optimitism is shining over my fudged up head.

My Hair: Creme of Nature.

i`ve decided, after a long, long, thinking about this all day, to go natural with my hair. & sadly, it won`t be the FULL natural, but meh, i want to maintain this hairstyle atleast.

now, what prompted my change of heart? well see, i have no problem with not getting perms. in fact, i`m use to it. the longest i went without getting a perm was probably 10 months. & those 10 months i didnt have a perm, i remember, my hair was the longest it`s ever been. 2 inches past my shoulders & let me tell you; i was so proud, but those dreams were killed when my sister permed my hair & my hair became subsequentially shorter. that should tell you something. my hair grows like CRAZYYYY, but since i get perms, it breaks it off. you should see how much new growth i get after a 4 month period. there is atleast an inch of crinkled hair, so that means when you straighten it out, it`s longer.

my first intention was to go six months without perming my hair because i burned off my edges with my last perm & blatant use of not taking care of it. but i would rather not start in the "6 week vicious cycle" that so many of our black sisters engage in. the time & money to achieve what we think of beauty is simply, not worth it. we claim to embrace who we are, but obviously we are ashamed of it because we can`t fully accept our hair for what it is. the way we think . . . . now let`s think of this. i`m going to use the singer Brandy as an example. this chick was the bees knees in the 90`s! everyone LOVED Brandy (esp me i had both of her CD`s from the 90`s & watched Moesha faithfully: i wanted to BE Brandy). everyone calls her ugly now & blah, blah, blah, but these are the same people who were praising how beautiful she was. Brandy is of a darker skin tone. Now let`s take the last couple of years stars: Beyonce, Ashanti, Christina Millian, Keyshia Cole, Aaliyah, Monica, Mya, Rihanna. . . . now aren`t you seeing a pattern here? I`m not downplaying any of those women`s talents (epsecially the late & great Aaliyah) however, the darker toned sisters get NO love, & when we the last time they blew up to MAINSTREAM success? Aren`t you trying to think of a darker skinned beauty that has mainstream success? Now, it should NOT take you that long, right? Purely sad. Brandy was one of few darker skinned sisters who people could appreciate. Even Chili from TLC, WAS darker skin, but was mixed & had fine hair, so she was seen as "exotic". . . . but where are our darker skin sisters at? Like in all seriousness, corporate America do not see dark skin women as being marketable. How many times have you heard insults about dark skin people in general, especially women? Thats why we have a very serious skin bleaching cream market that specifically target women of color (not just black people) in the hopes of looking more white. Lil Kim is a GOOOOOOOOD example of that. Find out how Lil Kim looked BEFORE she even released her 'Hardcore' album & you`ll be surprised. This lady went up like 4 shades! WTFH! Lil' Kim was like dark brown skin now she`s like light brown skin.

Now i don`t want to sound cliche, but let`s think of it here. How many times as a child did you wish that you could just be a little bit lighter? i use to wish this all the time & i`m not even dark skin, so i can imagine how hard it is for people who are darker then me. In a nutshell, lighter skin is seen a sign of status. why do you think Kelly Rowland never blew up? Outside of the whole Beyonce conspiracy thing, the chick IS dark skinned & not marketable to the masses. Go check out your videos, you hardly see any dark skin chicks (even though their are some beauties). Matter of fact you see Lauren London types: light skin, with no boobs, & permed hair. UNLESS you have a huge ass. Which clearly does not represent Black American women. Go figure.

Anyways, my whole point is that we don`t embrace who we are as people. I`m sick of wasting time & energy putting that SHIT & death in my hair. if you want hair, your hair will never ever grow using perms. if you want to maintain healthy hair, just lose it & ur hair will be better. you should not be putting shit that smells like that in your head. i don`t mean to put a biased POV, i do understand that sometimes it is necessary to perm your hair, like for work purposes, however, it`s just no worth it. it thins your hair out in the long run & no one wants thin hair. also, don`t be confused at the "natural" hair perms. theyre just as harsh as regular perms.

a lot of products that are actually marketed for african americans hair aren`t good for our hair, like grease, so instead of using grease, it`s good to use natural oils, like coconut oil or shea butter. i also have to throw out my lusters pink lotion & possibly JAM! for something that is more healthy on my head. if i want my edges to grow back to what they were, i have to control what goes in my hair & how i wrap it up at night (in a hair bonnet). alot of this garbage just makes our hair greasy & our hair will still be damaged. & also, greasing your scalp really doesn`t make a difference in how healthy ur hair is.

i want to be more comfortable with my hair. i won`t be wasting money on a hairdresser anymore, whom never satisfies my needs as a customer & consumer. so i will be doing the majority of my hair from now on. i am not a natural head guru, because i will still be using the blow dryer, hot comb & flat iron to maintain my hairstyle (which is damaging to the hair if used a lot), but oneday i hope to get dreads. i think their absolutely beautiful. but that won`t be for a while to come.

who cares about "nappy" hair when it really is an underlying issue within ourselves? what happened to the natural hair days of our mothers & fathers? but none that has went into obliqueness due to our following of the media. we follow what the masses do & what our mom tells us to do, but it`s not too late to change it up & have hair that is truly beautiful without the chemicals. there is a way to take care of your hair & make it soft, most of us are just to lazy to do this so we opt for the easy, unhealthy way to & what we`re told that`s beauty, but all we`re really creating is a self-loathing of ourselves.

In the end, every shade & kind of black does not get represented & i don`t want to add another penny in this billion dollar business. corporate america knows how to target black people & how to make us hate ourselves, just look at the perm, skin bleach, weight loss, hair product businesses. we`ve been all conditioned to thinking that white beauty standards is THE BEAUTY & best you can look. every race tries to emulate us, however, we can`t appreciate ourselves for who we truly are.

Fission Mailed.

((Back to the old blogspot until these niggas post again. www.sexxneverlies.blogspot.com ))

Ack, so I'm going to blog again about the other half of my day which thank god was much more exciting than the first part. So I went most of the day without eating not a single thing with the exception of that crappy school lunch. Well I went out with Blue around 5 and chilled @ his house with his best friend and junk, it was pretty fun. The whoollleee day I was tryna contact my dad so I could spend the night over his house, but he never answered so I had to go home after we went bowling. I would have stayed over his house, but I didnt want my Dad to get angry at me because I didnt confirm with him. Like I sent him some txts and then I called him a few hours later and I got no response at all. Even though he would know where I would be...I didn't want him to be like "you didnt make sure it was alright with me and blah blah blah." so I said...fux it...gotta go home. :(

So now I'm here...and needless to say I'm already bored as dirt. I have nothing to do except sit on the computer...I might go play SFIV in a little bit but it already gave me a headache for the day so idk. Thats pretty much all I have to blog about...its going to take Em and En another week to blog so I decided to write another one lol. I would write more, but Im really not in the mood to explain mostly everything.

- DI

One day :)

((Back to the old blogspot until these niggas post again. www.sexxneverlies.blogspot.com ))

...

Okay so boy oh boy I've been playing Street Fighter 4 a lot...Im tryna get better so I can go to competitions and shit. I've been playing it non stop since I got it on Monday...also as a result of that I'm jack broke until the next time I go to work (next weekend). Ehh but I think I'll last until next weekend and even then I lost track of the week that we get paid so thats gnna be fuxed up lol. Ahh I dont feel like going to work. Well anyway...my head is kinda hurting from spending so much time tryna master my skills on that damn game. It's very aggravating at times but I think it'll all pay off once I start beating ppl's asses and shit. Me & PF are training together so hopefully once we get a bit more advanced we'll be able to have a real battle lol. Damn I keep saying that I sound like a nerd because I really do lol. I'm actually using all my 10 fingers on the keyboard and I'm amazed because I stopped but naturally I started using all of them so that I could type faster...it's not really the way I should be doing it...it's just a bit random. My fingers are all over the keyboard and I'm making a few errors, but ehhh I'll get it eventually.

Lol so while I was walking home today I dropped my flash drive that has a project for Biology on it...thank god I noticed once I got in the house and went back out to get it. It was in the same pocket as my keys so once I took them out they pushed it out...I was wearing dress pants (also for biology today) so the pockets arent tight and things fall out easily. Well I found it in my grass and man I feel so lucky...although it wouldnt have really made any difference if I lost it or not...I would just have to type up the final draft of our skit again which didnt take that much work. Anyway...today was kinda boring, I just wanted to get out of school and I just kept thinking about my favv person in the world!!!

My phone is falling apart lol...the plate for the numbers is ripping off and I'm contributing to it by power texting...a piece of it flew in my mouth today (dont ask how) and I was like "BLEJRHANAM!" and spit it out lmao. Ehhh so the headache is kinda going away...I said fux it and took some advil to speed up the process cause Im bored lol. Blue asked me if I wanted to go bowling today cause he thinks he can beat me in bowling lol. I havent been bowling in a few months but I still have my swagg lol. Okay so the headache is almost gone thank god. I've been extra productive in all my classes lately...i think it's because i dont have practice so I have more time to do things...my schedule feels so free, but its only for this week cause we're going to start unofficial practice next week cause real practice starts March 2nd...dont wanna get out of shape cause we have to break this record for the State in the 4x4, can't waste any time!!

Okay so I'm bored now and I'm gnna go cause I have nothing else to talk about.

- DI

...fission mailed?

smash apart what you create.

Agah, soo the past couple of days i have been sooo motherfuckin angry.
lol, it's weird b/c i've never been this angry before.

i wanna shoot somebody and rip out their esophagus.
but i'm digressing...well i'm trying to anyway.

the catalyst for my anger is causing me to get pissed off over little tiny peddy shit.
[i know i spelled peddy wrong, but thats how i wanna spell it!]

things have not been going my way,
&it seems like everything is going wrong.
and i'm so fed up.
but unfortunatley thats life.

i'm sure theres a reason to this though,
i just don't know what yet.

urm, so yeah.
my mom screwed up our cpu.
likeee idfk what exactly she did,
but HP said that the cpu was shutdown while programs were still loading.
or some shit like that.
so idk when we're getting it fixed.
hopefully it's soon =/

i was gonna wait till it got fixed to blog
but i just decided to walk over to my gpa's to use theirs b/c
some people *points at you* are impatient.
lol

yahyah,
so anyway.
other than me being mad.
i've been so splendiforous!

idk, i kinda feel like someone other than myself,
but i feel like myself.
lol, if that makes sense.

so my mood is likeeee,
ANGRY >;OOO
and jii pump =]]]]

ooo,
i finally get to get one of my tattoos!
hopefully everything works out
&things don't get screwed again.
but wooo i can't wait.

yup, yup.
i don't think i have anything else to blog about.

btw, EM you hair looks really niice in that pic.

peace<3
-en

kiss me on my neck.

it`s time for me to blog already? geez. time flies when you`re doing nothing.


anyways, i want to bring up the intricate & complicated topic of sex. i would like to take my time on this . . . because sex is all about taking your time right? time to relax & put in some random neo-soul song & let my emotions & feelings of this topic flow . . .


i don`t want to come at this topic in a conventional sense, but why do we care so much about something that`s only temporary? i would like to think of sex in the same category as people caring more about material items . . . if that makes sense? no. well anyways, sex is as natural as us using the bathroom or breathing, essentially, but so many of us are so ashamed of the act. we are all brought up according to our gender. males are taught to be the aggressor & "conquer" women . . . but women are taught to be innocent & docile. now don't get me wrong, you have your few who definitely do not fit that. i feel like us as women, have to hide our sexuality because if we just broadcasted it openly, we would be looked down upon. i personally get sick of having to sensor myself, oneday, i want to just be & be more open with my sexuality (haha more than i already am) about what i like & don`t like. but i will get there oneday.

well anyways, people make a huge deal about sex. man, i have had my moments, like us all, & mannn, i`m still in my moments! haha, but i know when to turn it on & off & not let sex run my emotions or determine my actions, because at the end of the day, it may not be worth it. sex can get you 'caught up' with someone. you begin to feel all of these confusing emotions & then you`re like . . . 'where the FUCK did this come from?!'. that`s what i said when i thought it was something else. but sex with love makes situations so difficult, but a lot of us put ourselves in these situations at a young age, not realizing the consequences. i don`t regret having sex, which is a first compared to most young women who lose their virginity & wish it never happened. it was something i wanted for so long & i had been holding out for it to be with someone i legitimately cared about & not have it just be supeficial. it was some kind of special to me . . . . which i feel like a freaking sap for saying that but it was (& also i just don`t understand have people can 'mess' with people they aren`t even attracted to!!). i don`t personally recommend people jumping at the chance to have sex though, because sex will always be around . . . at the drop of your fingertips or the snap of a finger (especially for women & even men who are attractive). i`m not going to let myself get caught up over a simple feeling. i will not allow myself to have sex with someone i just don`t care about. it`s just not who i am. we as people, us as BLACK people, should conduct ourselves with more respect then that. our bodies are special & the more people you let 'in' or put yourself in (hardy har har), diminish the temple that our bodies are. & i`m not all on the bible talk, but you want others to respect & admire you, well first you have to respect yourselves first & treat yourself with dignity. true we are all young once, but looking back at everything would it really be worth it? sex is serious business, in all honestly. nothing to play with, so if you are going to engage in it, make sure to be safe about it. don`t make the same mistakes that so many people have made. don`t become another teenage statistic. use a condom, dental dam, whatever the hell you`re doing just be safe & have fun & make sure it`s something that you truly want to do & are able to deal with because the emotions that come with having sex are sometimes too much to deal with at such a young age. i am always one to say is that we`re too young to be tied down, but we have to smart. if you aren`t sexing someone you have no feelings for be smart. i`m all about having fun & i realize that whatever person i decide to "make it official with" will not be perfect. especially at this age. . . especially males, they`re so immature at this age & have no idea with what they`re doing. people make mistakes, they aren`t perfect. they may think they have themselves figured out but they do not. some go about things so wrong, they can`t even begin to get it right, even if they wanted to, which i believe is unintentional. we`re young. give people a time to grow. . . a time to mature, before you engage in too mature feelings. if you do want a relationship, you have to let it grow, nurture it. it takes time. trust me i know. you can`t just expect things to be all peachy. people are difficult & complicated & different. you have to put in work. show them you really care. just don`t let it BE, DO something about it. do something sweet for the person you care about with expecting nothing in turn, because if you truly care, it`s worth it. we`re so young, we have our whole lives to look forward to & there`s never too late to try to fix things, right?

hope i wasn`t to hypocritical & hope you understand.
(btw, i`m working on not being so judgmental. it`s an everyday process, gah i have no respect for people who sleep around though but bleeehh different topic for a different day).
& with that, as Markiss says, 'i`m out like i`m new.'
hardy har har.
<3 em.




me looking ugly with the same fucking facial expression with faux snakebites. lol

You are not alone.

Another day without you...and it feels so damn lonely in my life. I mean geez...I know I just saw you yesterday, but we barely got to talk. Hey, at least we got to see each other right?? I miss you!!!

Well today...me, PF, and V actually walked to the Gamestop down @ Liberty to go buy Street Fighter 4 that just came out today. It was like a 45 min walk cause we had to walk to PF's house so he could get some games to trade in for $$. It was funny 'cause while we were walking to his house he was telling us about some old man that comes out his house to tell him not to walk through the backyards because it creates a trail or some shit like that. Well when we were cutting through to go to his house the stupid old man came out and actually told us not to walk through there. If I was by myself I would have either told him to stfu and kept it moving or just ignored him. We werent even in his yard...it was just like an open space that we could walk through and he told us not to walk through. Like wtf, random old man just sitting in his rocking chair to wait for ppl to come past and shit. But really lol...that's bold...if he doesnt want people walking through there then he needs to talk to whoever owns that land because technically he can't say shit if it's not his. But we walked through anyway and just said sorry to him...didnt feel like getting distracted with stupid old men who dont have lives. I wanted to get that SFIV!

Yeah so we went to PF's house and onto Gamestop we go...took us another good 10 mins to walk down Liberty and then bam we're there. So PF and V get their copies and then the guys are like..."we dont have anymore, come back tomorrow." I'm like..."SHIT! IMPOSSIBLE!" I almost died inside when they told me that...but I sulked away and watched PF and V play the little demo thing for SFIV that have in the store. So I jumped on the sticks for a min and beat them both lol...Im guessing the guy was watching and saw the awesomeness cause when we were walking out he was like "hey, you still want a copy?" Im like...*eyes water* "YEAH!" so he grabs this random copy out of mid air and he's like..."here you go." of course I had to pay...but like man wtf, Im just wondering why he didnt want to give it to me earlier. He basically lied to me lol...but I wasnt thinking about that, I was just thinking about that SFIV in my hand. Maybe that was his copy and he wanted to hide it or something...but ehh sry. I felt bad...but I forgot all about it. So thats what I did with the rest of my life when I got home. Played SFIV all fucking dayy...since Indoor is over theres no more practice for 2 weeks. HOLY SHIT I ALMOST FORGOT!

2A STATES 4X4 CHAMPS BABY!
Yeahhh mafuckas...we did it. We won the 4x4 @ State Championships...I'm hype as hell. Like words cant even express how excited I am...here's the vid cause I dont feel like recapping that shit. We start out in lane 3...we're in the all black uniforms. It's 2 laps around for each person. I run 2nd leg. http://www.flotrack.org/videos/coverage/view_video/234514/149464

Oh yeah so I heard my father talking to my brother about what he wanted to do with his life and stuff. Gosh I'm so happy Im out of that phase b/c he was really getting on my nerves with that stuff. Like geez he bugged the shit out of my life lol. I kinda feel like he's right...but sometimes I think everyone has to live their life differently. He thinks that his way is the only way you can grow up and be successful. I'm just like...man if that shit is so easy as you make it sound and if you know all the tricks of the trade then why arent you better off than you are now? Youre still living off of your childhood dream about making music and youre almost damn near 40 years old. He tries to make it seem like he has all this natural knowledge when actually it came from his hard life experiences. Of course I'll never know what he went through because I didnt have kids @ age 16 and wasnt forced to live life on my own with my baby mother. But thats the good thing...if I didnt end up like him then I must be doing something that he wasnt...that shows me that theres more than one way to live life and still do all the things you want. It'll require hard work and sacrifice and all that junk...but man he tries to be some type of audio manual for "how to live life". It's rather annoying at times but all he wants to make sure is that we dont end up like he did...but I think he needs to let us go...he can't hold onto everyone. I'm tired of trying to survive...I just wanna LIVE!!!

- DI

<3 no woe!

freeburary.

mann, i just had the best nap ever!

though it's gonna be hard for me to go to sleep tonight,

it was worth it.

so woo,

did you guys knows MCdonalds is giving away free medium Mcafe stuff?!?!

omgah!!!

when i saw that i was mad pump.

it's not little tiny tester sized cups either.

it's the actualy MEDIUM cup!!!

lol i was sooo pumped.

you don't even understand.

i got the mocha iced coffee and acted like it was the best thing on this earth.

ooo, 

i've also been obssessed with the chick-fil-a milkshakes.

the cookies n cream one is heaven!

i shouldn't be eating it for reasons...lol

but it's sooo delic!

lol, woooo.

okay so bam,

today was a surprisingly fantastic day being as though i was feeling eugerugrjhubtuhbyth.

but i told myself i wasn't gonna dwell.

so i digress.

[omgah! i was about to say niggas digress and shit!]

this gangsta talk is taking over my life.

it's so hard to stop!

but enough is enough.

i will not be ghetto anymore!

lol

4th noperiod wasn't as bad as i always make it.

even though i didn't hang out with the 4 and mishelle &them @ the party,

i didn't feel left out.

i guess listening to di and accepting that shit is better than ignoring them after all.

i actually do wanna go to a party now though.

*gasp*

=]

geez, i really did have a good day.

lol, i love making fun of juicy.

heeeehhheeeehahahahahahahahha

soo, 

ooo since we're talking about obsessions and stuff.

I LOVE RIHANNA!

ahhh, i can listen to her all day.

i even listen to it when i'm about to go to sleep. hehe

i feel like uber late b/c i JUST started listening to her 'good girl gone bad' cd.

you guys gotta listen to it if you haven't! =]

but ughhhh, i love her so much.

her persona seems so strong and edgy.

idgaf about that chris brown drama shit.

i still love them both.

but rihanna is <33333

so yeah,

i'm doneeeee.

i gotta type my essay for english.

blahblehblah.

peace<3

fuck bitches, get money. fuck niggas, get money.

okayyuh i`m gonna blog. um okay so i went home this weekend. it was good i had fun. saw casswipe & the siggy, not to mention my brother who is the coolest ever & of course my mom. i had no intentions of going home, i really just wanted to see my brother bc i wasn`t even homesick yet, not saying that i didn`t want to see anyone else bc i did. . . i just wasn`t homesick. i actually wanted to like stay in school bc i had some kind of plans but it`s cool. . . there`s always next week. i feel so gay bc i`m listening to paramore & i don`t like them. . . but i like a couple of songs. man i need a perm lol. okay i`m just rambling. anyways i hate the fact that my mom can be mad about something else & start being petty about something that is totally irrelevant. i don`t have time for that lol.


anyways, i have a new found respect for Lil' Kim. i use to think she was so vulgar & a slut, but then i thought, man gotta have some kind of respect because she takes stuff that women do everyday, normal stuff, & says it. how many of us would be scared to do that? & she just doesn`t care. i have to respect that. she takes a line & spits it just like a man. . . even though she was better in her prime. . . i really respect her boldness & crudeness. i love it. i`ve been really into hip-hop/rap. i can`t listen to rap of today but rap of the 90`s was the best! DMX was good in his prime too. i like his darker stuff. i`m slowly becoming a bigger fan of Biggie though, he was just smooth. i never realized he talked about sex so much though lol. I`m trying to get into Common though, i think he`s kind of interesting so yeah. . . i just love music. any good hip-hop songs hit me up. =]


< - - - Em.

Mnnn

I had some shit to blog about, but freakin En took all damn day to blog and shit lol. I dont even remember what I wanted to blog about because I felt a specific way and wanted to get my emotions into the keyboard! Theres no use in keeping them until later because then I wouldnt feel like writing it. But anyway...just a basic outline of my day. I kinda stayed up late talking to Blue so I went to sleep around 1 am and woke up for school around 630. It's later than I usually wake up (around 6:00) but it'll do. I like changing up my schedule because I dont like doing the same thing everyday. I used to wake up at 6:00 am, prep myself for the day, and be out the house by 7:00 am. I just recently changed my alarm clock to 6:34 am and I leave the house by 7:25 am. I dont really like that change, but I'll get used to it. I also like changing the minutes that I wake up...like one day I'll change the alarm to 6:32 and then back to 6:34 the next day.

Dunno, I just dont like to have the same schedule everyday. I think it makes it more fun for me because it's diverse...and if someone is out for me or something it'll be difficult for them to track my schedule because it's random. The weird thing is that I go to sleep at like 12 am and then I'll wake up @ 3 am and I can't really go back to sleep. I'll just lay in my bed, open my eyes to look at the clock to see what time it is and then I'll close my eyes just to do the same thing 30 minutes later. I think thats why I always feel like I'm tired even when I do get a good night's rest. Plus those random 2 am txts that Blue sends me lmfao. I actually woke up at 2 am the other night and I was going to send Blue a txt but I was like...I need to go to sleep and I dont wanna wake Blue up anyway. But I ended up doing the periodically look at the clock thing...I think I do that because I hate the sound of my alarm clock and I want to get up right before it sets off so I can hurry up and turn it off before it sounds. Like my alarm clock is sooo annoying my god I really hate it lol. It makes the most annoying buzzing sound ever, I can't sleep when it's on.

But um cheyeah, I went to school...slept during anatomy @ physiology, and finished my packet for Biology which I feel accomplished in because I can never finish those damn packets in time lol. He gave us another packet for HW so I'm hoping I can finish it before the weekend ends. So after school I went home and chilled then went to practice. 4x4 had to race 4x2 in the 4x2 relay 6 times and we beat them lol. How in the hell is 4x4 supposed to beat 4x2 in their own race? Thats ridiculous. I know we're some of the best athletes in the County...but c'mon man...yall needa get ya shit together lol. We had fun though. So then after practice I went to the movies to see Friday the 13th with En, the 4, and Tanisha. I thought the movie was pretty good...I wasnt looking forward to it being scary because thats not the genre that Friday the 13th falls under. If anyone saw any of the old flicks they would have appreciated this one.

Anyway...we went to the mall and I got me some Chik-fila and then Kitty took me home. Thank god she drives now lol. So cheyeah I pretty much just chilled here and Blue wanted to hang out but I had to say no even though i REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to go cause I doubt my Dad would have let me go out again. I was in and out the house all freakin day lol. So cheyeah now here I am...I blogged. Please En & Em, dont take long to blog cause I'm always waiting on the both of you lol.

- DI

playlist:
baby be mine - mj
strip for you - r. kelly
so you can cry - neyo
young nation - aaliyah

i want to be unstoppable.

hmmm,
okay wheew,
so i got accepted to VCU yesterday.
i'm jii pump b/c that was like one of my main choices.
so now i'm fricken undecided again.
i wanna go to penn state,
but i love VCU as well.
&plus they're kinda cheaper.

i'm giving myself till the end of the month to decide
b/c thats when i was gonna pay my penn state acceptance fee shit.

but anyway,
i've been in a rather chipper mood lately.
i feel myself making a little progress.
like, idk.
i'm trying not to let things bother me and junk.
i feel kind of to myself, but like still 'in' with like everybody.
likee, idk it's hard to explain.
haha, i'm just very chill.

i think friday the 13th is so lame.
like wtf?
a day of bad luck?
blehhh,
today happened to be a pretty good day to me.
this friday was better than my last friday,

i went out with the 4+ di &tanisha
at first we were suppose to hang at aj's while di and pb where at track practice.
but that idiot got in trouble and we were like stranded outside until pb told us to wait in the locker room.
agah, so we hung out there and like ordered food from phillips.
pretty sweet.

hehe
the man was getting mad b/c my phone picks up crap service in the locker room and he told me to drop sprint and get a tmobile.
tisktisk.

but yeah,
we all went to see friday the 13th and i was very disappointed b/c the freakin movie wasn't even scary.
>;o
but no 'scary' movies are these dayss.
but bleh, i had a pretty decent time.

so my sis friend &her little sis are staying over b/c their dad went out of town for the weekend.
i hope they don't wake me up early tomorrow &shit b/c i plan on sleeping late.

ahhh,
&tomorrow i'm suppose to be going out w/ them to the cheescake factory
and hopefully see and hang w/ morgs.
we'll see how that works out.

yeah, i have nothing to blog about.
i'm just rather content!
this is the best i've felt in ages.

hehe
peace<3

i wanna be the lotion all over his body.

i had to edit this. i have a crush. it is mild. i am working on it. i am not working on it. the end, but i would looooooooooooooove to be the lotion all over his body. lmfao.


going home hopefully. i feel cooler now. got a new phone. iPhone so we`ll see how that works out. . . i have nothing else to put that was just on my mind so i had to write about it.

goodnight =]

edit: oh yeah i just want to say that i really hate fake shit. it really bugs me. like srsly. just fucking say it & be done with it so i can fucking know & get it all out in the open. ridiculous.

btw, i`m facing a really, really, really big dilemma & i just don`t know what to do about it . . . .it`s just depressing. =[

One Day We'll Make Love.

(Before I start, ehhh En...that was pretty rude of him. I hope you talked to your sister before you sent him that msg...might make a little more conflict than expected. I know he disrespected your mother and everything, but sometimes you have to let her handle her own problems. Using your logic will always benefit more than reacting from emotions.)

I just got back home from regionals and needless to say...I'M FUXIN EXHAUSTED. The meet was pretty good for us...a very good meet compared to County Championships. We really made up the bullshit from Countys, especially in the 4x4. We came out 1st overall in that so I'm uber excited. The only thing that I was a bit upset about was the fuckin hurdles, I did the best time in them EVER...still came in 2nd place @ the prelims (made it to finals). Then I ran the 500 (full sprint 2 1/2 laps) and smoked the shit out of my heat...won that and made it to States.

Anyway...I was dead ass tired...as soon as I trip finished through the finish line and put on my sweats all I hear is "55 hurdle finalists report to the bullpin." I'm like...omggg I just got finished running the 5 are you serious? Anyway...I basically stagger over to the bullpin to check in, I'm literally about to pass out...I could see yellow auras around people and all that shit. I get my number and go to my blocks to get these hurdles in...while they're setting up I get a little run out...and it was the most shittiest hurdle I've ever done in my life. All I'm thinking about is..."shit...I dont think Imma make it." so once they blow the gun I get out sooo fuxin slow, usually if I'm fresh I would blast out the blocks but I just did a fuckin 2 step and flew like a bird over the hurdles and got left in the dust by everyone. In the prelims I came in 2nd overall with the fastest time in the State for the hurdles and just got dusted by everyone and ran one of the slowest times of this whole year. Ehhh damnit 500! You just ruined my hurdles...I didn't make it to States which was what I was looking forward to. "County Champ bombs the hurdles" perfect fuxin headline for the newspaper lol :-\

I was hella pissed off but I just walked it off and went to rest until the 4x4 which is one of the most important races of my life! I made sure I drank hella fluids and ate so my body could begin getting energy to run the 4x4 in like an hour. Okay so Imma skip all that shit cause all I did was rest the whoolllee time and watch ppl run. So the 4x4 comes up and I'm all energized and shit...we won that shiittt boyy. Oye started, did a good leg and got us in first...handed the baton to me...I sprint the hell out of my 1st lap...now on the final and last lap...I hear someone say "whooooppp" which means that someone is about to pass the person in first...I'm like..."huh? what?" so I hear this hard breathing right next to my neck and I take a look to my side (the first time I've ever turned my head to look @ another runner) and come to find some nigga with dreads tryna pass me up! I was like...fux that shit...zoom zoom on some mafuxas lol...broom broom I'm gone nigga! He kept tryna get me but everytime he got close I just broom broomed and sped off lol. Left his ass in the dust and handed it off to Chris. He finished it out...gave it to Ous and the same team of niggas that tried to pass me actually passed him as soon as he started...we were like "NOOOAJKEUEWJM!"...thank god he stayed kinda close to him and got him at the very end...making it a really tight race...he did that just to look good and get props lol. We can't afford to do that shit during Regionals nigga!!

- DI

PS: you make me happier! Woe is not me! <3

>;ooo

wow morgs thats a long fuckin blog.

okay this is gonna be really small but i'm so fuckin mad.

so i was on my sis facebook just looking at her stupid comments and shit
and then i fuckin see these long ass comments that her ex bf left her.

now i wasn't really concerned about their stupid little drama but wtf he said pissed me the fuck off.

he inappropriately came at my family and more importantly my fuckin mother!
&threatened my fuckin sisters life!
thats when the fuck i get in this shit.

imma stick my dick in his fuckin mouth.
he can fuckin screen shot wtf i said and show it to his fuckin mother too!
my sister may not have been smart about this and thats how she came out looking like the fuckin villian but this fuckin shit needs to end now.

like wtf?
how do you fuckin get me mad?
i nvr get fuckin mad.

he fuckin claims he got better shit going on in his life,
wtf you keep wasting your fuckin time lashing immature words back at my sister.

my sis is at fault too b/c she should have informed me or even my mom about what was going on.
& she should have been keen about what she said to him
&screen shot his ass so she could have proof of what he said when he screen shot her and printed that shit for his mother.

but hmph.
i'm not wasting anymore energy on this shit.

i said what i said to him.
i can't fuckin wait till he sees this dick.

lmfaaaaaaaooooo.
ahhakahakaka





the fuck he talking about 5 kids for?
lmfao