deep inside of you, theres a ruby glow.

agah!
i know it's Em's turn to blog but bam,
oh well.
lol

i'm shaking terribly.

maybe it's b/c i just woke up and i'm jii cold,

or it might be b/c of what i'm about to type.

hmmm, di's blog just made me wanna say everything.

it's really weird b/c this unlike me,

but w/e.

eh, so the attraction for me and di has been on and off.

i think thats understood.

reason for that?

blue. aha.

blue came out of no where

& i guess i had the intentions of things b/w me and di jumping back from being dead but all that got crushed when blue came around.

so i kind of started to pushed my attraction for di in the dark

and just concentrated on us being friends.

and i still feel like that but i can't stop the strong attraction that i try to hide.

now with this whole pb thing,

i think this whole thing become like an unspoken competition that i had no intentions of being in.

i mean it's simply b/c me and pb both have a thing for di.

and even though she's nvr told me that it still remains, i know.

we actually had a conversation about this a while back, b/c something like this has happened b4, but obviously that conversation went no where...

we had agreed that neither of us would say anything di related b/c we would both feel some kind of way, and that didn't even last 2 weeks.

to me it always seemed that pb tries to have one up on me when it comes to di.

i could just be saying something funny that he did and she would nonchalantly throw out something that they did for no reason that i could tell.

but this prom thing,

this is the way that it was perceived to me.

friday night pb texted me asking me about prom and stuff,

she asked me who i was taking and i told her idk,
i asked her who she was taking and she said to me,
' i may take di, but idk, how would you feel about that?'

after i read that text i felt like something.

i told her that it would hurt &she nvr responded back.

me and pb had discussed prom multiple times b4,

i told her that i had intentions on taking di and she told me she was gonna take either her bf or some other guy.

it wasn't known to me that she wanted to or even thought about taking di.

so that same night i found out that pb and di were going to prom together.

apparently, it had already been established b4 pb decided to ask me how i felt.

now she nvr told me that they were going together at all.

but i guess she knew and told di that i was upset about it.

so the whole day we didn't talk to each other.

i was gonna talk to her eventually b/c ignoring her was definitely not the right action
b/c it's impossible, we're always around each other.

so during my 4th noperiod i pulled her aside and told her we needed to talk.

she said what about and acted like she didn't know what i wanted to talk to her about.

then when i said, 'soo you and di are going to the prom together'

she denied it and said that they weren't.

so then i started talking and she told me she doesn't see what the big deal is.

okayyyy...

so she walked away.

you would think it would be over b/c she doesn't see the problem.

but then as i went to go sit with dionne she pulled the 4crew and mishelle over into the little rams room and started talking about it for the rest of the period.

if it isn't a big deal, why even worry about it, why talk about it?

the thing that blew me is that she had so much to say to them,
but said hardly shit to me about it!

'i don't see the big deal'

you obviously saw something if you decided to rant to everyone but me about it!

so as i was about to leave with dionne i was talking to masasah
and eric comes up to me and says he heard everything.

and i'm like okayyyy....

then he said she made a decision,

i'm still like okayyy,

and then he says that she's not gonna take him.

no.

i want her to take him.

by not taking him what is that gonna solve.

everything is already done and how i feel is not gonna change.

so why was i upset?

i feel like in a way i was betrayed by my 'bestfriend'

i think it's really cruddy how everything was played out.

as much as she wants to deny it she knew that i wanted to take di to prom,

mutual agreement b/w them two or not.

she must have known that i was gonna feel some kind of way about it or she wouldn't have asked me how i would feel.

i mean i'm sure we were all aware that something was gonna happen b/c of previous problems.

i feel like pb was selfish and didn't consider my feelings at all.

and she asked me how i would feel out of guilt.

&i was totally unaware that she had intentions of taking him.

she said nothing to me at allll.

so imagine my surprise.

i wish she would have told me so we could have worked something out.

but the way things were played was so conniving to me.

i do agree that it was a mutual agreement and i should be mad at both,

but pb is suppose to be my bestfriend.

if i was placed in her shoes i would have played everything out differently.

i would have thought about pb first and foremost.

wth am i suppose to be mad at di about.

that he wanted to go with her and not me?

psftttt, no.

so i'm pulling myself out of this whole thing b/c like i said,

it's not like this whole thing is something new.

i wish pb would come to me and talk about it, but at this rate i don't see that happening.

i should have listened to myself when i said that i needed to distance myself from her.

so now thats exactly what i'm gonna do.

pb has screwed me over sooo many times in the past and it would always play out the same way.

ignore each other for about two days, i'll confront her about it and then we would just forget about it and move on.

but aren't i dumb for sitting in the same spot getting screwed over by the same person over and over?

the same person who claims to be my 'bestfriend'

it's sad that the ending result had to be b/c of some shit about a boy.

but w/e.

i'm not saying that i don't wanna be her friend anymore,

but trying to forgive and forget seems really hard now b/c i refuse to get screwed over by her again.

mann, this just makes me think about everything that has happened in the past.

i nvr got mad at one of my bestfriends so many times.

not to compare but me and my siggy only got in one little argument and it was so fuckiinnnn dumb, over some stupid grammar shit. lol

and i'm not gonna say that friends aren't suppose to fight,

but come on now,

the shit that we go through has been too easily forgiven by me.

i'm sick of people telling me that i'm better than them b/c of the way i handled everything.

makes me feel like some kind of bitch thats just gonna take shit.

idk, i wish everything would work out and get settled.

but i refuse to waste my energy on someone who is being stubborn, not tryna talk about it, denying what had taken place, and making me seem like i'm the wrong one.

and of course the two people involved wouldn't agree with me,

but no one else seems to think my animosity is wrong.

and more importantly i don't think i'm wrong,

and thats all that matters.

peace <3 

-en