control myself.

i think i`m becoming increasingly mature.

the jokes that my friends make. i don`t find them to be funny anymore. i have to feign laughter. but i don`t find the dumb things they do to be funny anymore. i force myself to laugh. i want to find it funny, but i just don`t anymore. this goes for everyone. i don`t know what`s going on with me. maybe it`s because i`m about to be 19 years old, but i find it to be irritating. matter of fact, i find a lot of things to be irritating. i don`t want to become an old lady & lose my humor, but it`s so hard to fake laughter at things i don`t find funny anymore. maybe this is inevitable but it`s throwing me off. i don`t seem to have this problem with friends my age ..it`s just the ones that are in high school, or maybe it seems that way bc that`s the majority of my friends. i`m noticing that i`m having a more dry sense of humor. maybe this year at college as really changed me: i wanted to change my look, how i acted, it changed. like i was semi-annoyed at the ruby tuesday dinner. it`s not that you guys aren`t funny but a lot of the things that i use to find funny that you guys did, don`t really make me laugh anymore. like more or less, the dumb acting. i do it too, but i don`t find it funny. the fact that i am not amused anymore, is really throwing me off. i want to find it funny. i know i am very, very irritating. sometimes the act i put on REALLY annoys my fucking self, but i don`t know how else to be. i think i`m turning into a laid back person. . . which i hope so, but maybe that`s what happens when you mature? the jokes are still funny to me but the dumb acting really isn`t. . . i don`t know i`ve been noticing this for awhile & i fake laugh at a lot of people, but maybe i should just be upfront & stop faking right? maybe i`m thinking too much, but i feel like an entirely different person since i stepped forth on that podium on june 1st, 2008. who i am is . . . . not who i was & that`s a good thing but i get so lost & depressed & i can usually cover it up in a matter of minutes bc i am not a stickler for any kind of emotion . . . it`s just really hard sometimes that i want to cry, but i can`t just bring myself to do it. i am lost in what i want to do with my life & it`s a real problem.

& sometimes i don`t think i`m the same person. i feel like i am self-absorbed & selfish. i want to change so bad. i want to be a better person but it`s so freaking hard. it`s so many things going on under the surface, that i want to address, but i just can`t. i`ve just been very, very irritated lately. maybe that`s stress? i wouldn`t know because i really don`t worry about a lot of things. i just get sick of it all & i sometimes need my space from everything. like, i really hate texting sometimes because i want to be completely alone. when i`m at home, i like to lay in the bed & think for hours about everything but i don`t get the same luxury at school which is why i go insane. & whats so fucked up is that sometimes i get insanely lonely in the late night & being that it`s so late, i probably only have like one person (not counting my roommate) to talk to, to fill that void. i decide to not have much human contact now. i like it better that way. i hope that whatever i`m changing into it`s for the better. but i feel like i`m becoming something i don`t want to be. now let me say this phone thing is annoying. i find solace in talking with like two people on the phone other than that i get annoyed unless i am in a talking mood & that is so fucking selfish, but i can`t help but hate talking on the phone. i think it hinders my attention span when i`m online & that`s very annoying. not to mention that boys annoy my motherfucking life & i find almost everything in life to be overrated, shallow, or irritating. 

i`m just very irritated & i need this year to be over in the hopes that i will regain my sense of self & figure out how to get out of these mind-boggling situation/s.

anyhoot, i`m finished with that.

maybe my sense of humor has changed because i am ultimately unhappy with the situation/s i`m in? idk, but i find myself to be extremely angry & irritated most of the time.

-EM.