insight.

i get so nervous sometimes i can feel it all over my body. i cant think about it so i bury myself in others things to not feel my pain. the pain. oh god, how do i describe this pain i constantly feel? it brings tears to my eyes. i can`t sleep at night sometimes. i have dreams. this depression. i have been speaking of for months, but i conceal it with other things. i live through people, books, my computer, ANYTHING to stop me from being alone with these bad thoughts. the only happiness i find is when i completely forget who i am. complete happiness doesn`t happen when i`m with my friends, because i`m still who i am. it feels forced. faking like i`m happy. i force myself to talk to them, never really enjoying all of their jokes or easygoing nature, because i`m not happy. sometimes there are happy moments, but there`s a piece of me that can`t enjoy it. sometimes, i think death would be welcoming to me, but other times i am completely scared & repulsed by the idea. sometimes death seems to be the only way to do away with these thoughts. scary isn`t it? thought i was over this pain? my heart aches in so many different ways from so many different things, how can i move on? how can someone be happy with the stress, all these thoughts? i just don`t get how i`m suppose to move on. i`m different from most people too, that`s always hard. i feel trapped. in more ways than one. the STRESS depresses me. i cry when i listen to music not just because i feel what they`re saying but because at that moment i`m feeling everything i felt over the months & that is a way of it to be forced out. i don`t want to feel. i hate feeling. i hate emotions. i hate all signs of weaknesses. i can`t have a moment where i slip up. being around people, it`s this constant reminder that i am not happy. that`s why i prefer to do things alone & prefer to be left alone because i can`t truly relinquish in their delights. i do away with these emotions before i revel in them & show everyone my weakness. i fall. fall into music: maxwell, it was michael. books, which was my escape during middle school. dancing. an outlet for all of these frustrations & building unhappiness & anger. what am i suppose to do? everything just adds on to it. it all adds on to HOW i am. & how unhappy i am with HOW i am & how i can never be satisfied with anything. the building obsessions, the materialistic dreams, shit don`t even matter because at the end of the day, i`m not happy with what`s inside or what`s happened. & the worse part is that i have accepted a long time ago that this is just the way things are.


- EM.