DI Here.

I want to begin posting on the EMKAYDIEN blog a bit more often because my entries on my Sexx Never Lies blog are just really irrelevant to the blog. I like to talk about very sensitive and personal things that are important to me on that blog and lately I havent been feeling that way so I'm moving onto the EMKAYDIEN blog. Not to say that this blog is insignificant, but the fact that it's a group blog allows me to have more free reign on what I want to talk about. My solo blog is very personal and I want it to remain that way. Hopefully Em && En will jump on the bandwagon as I continue my blogging here. A change that I am suggesting is: no taking turns blogging because we'll be waiting forever to get our turn again, if this is a blog we all should have the right to blog whenever and however we want to.

And now comes to my blogging point. I've been waiting for my mic for a day now, I tracked it online and it said that it was in Laurel @ 1 this morning. However, I think the mail came in and it wasn't with the mail. I hope I dont have to wait until tomorrow when my mic is sitting about an hour && a half away from me lol. Yet, Im in denial that the mail came today because there were only two things in there: an advertisement for some pizza place, and a letter from my brother's school. Maybe someone forgot to take them out with the rest of the mail yesterday. Also that isn't adequate mail for a Wednesday...maybe it would be for a Saturday, but not for a weekday. It's still about 12 o clock so Im going to wait until about 1 or wait a half hour before I go check it again. If no more mail is entered in the box by 1 o clock then Im going to stop checking it and just have to wait until tomorrow. Im going to be out pretty much all day tomorrow at class so that'll be a day wasted cause I wanna start recording some stuff ASAP. The next chance I'll get to have a day to myself is Friday so I'll start some major recording then. :)

Ugh...I do think the mail already came today so I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow when I get a break between my Speech && Math classes to start recording. What a bummer lol. Knowing that my mic is in Laurel is what kills me though, it only takes an hour to get here from Laurel so what's the problem? lol. Oh well, enough of that and to the next topic. Im wearing skinnys today because I felt like dressing good, I gave myself a shape up and I'm wearing one of my favorite outfits so I feel kinda good today. It feels awkward now because I havent put much thought into my outfits lately and I kinda feel like I'm overdressing compared to what Im used to wearing, but im going to ignore what my mind is trying to establish as a comfort zone and just do what I feel. I havent dressed like this in a while, but I want to start dressing more like I give a damn about what I look like again. I liked my style in my Senior yr of HS. I felt fly, but chillzlol (yes chillzlol lol) at the same time because I was at a comfort zone with myself and I didnt give a damn about the people around me. I like being different and feeling different, though thank god it doesnt take much for me to feel that way because Im just a crazy ass nigga and my brain seems to operate differently than most people so I can naturally just think of some different shit off the bat. This will conclude my blogging for the time being. Cya.

- DI.

insight.

i get so nervous sometimes i can feel it all over my body. i cant think about it so i bury myself in others things to not feel my pain. the pain. oh god, how do i describe this pain i constantly feel? it brings tears to my eyes. i can`t sleep at night sometimes. i have dreams. this depression. i have been speaking of for months, but i conceal it with other things. i live through people, books, my computer, ANYTHING to stop me from being alone with these bad thoughts. the only happiness i find is when i completely forget who i am. complete happiness doesn`t happen when i`m with my friends, because i`m still who i am. it feels forced. faking like i`m happy. i force myself to talk to them, never really enjoying all of their jokes or easygoing nature, because i`m not happy. sometimes there are happy moments, but there`s a piece of me that can`t enjoy it. sometimes, i think death would be welcoming to me, but other times i am completely scared & repulsed by the idea. sometimes death seems to be the only way to do away with these thoughts. scary isn`t it? thought i was over this pain? my heart aches in so many different ways from so many different things, how can i move on? how can someone be happy with the stress, all these thoughts? i just don`t get how i`m suppose to move on. i`m different from most people too, that`s always hard. i feel trapped. in more ways than one. the STRESS depresses me. i cry when i listen to music not just because i feel what they`re saying but because at that moment i`m feeling everything i felt over the months & that is a way of it to be forced out. i don`t want to feel. i hate feeling. i hate emotions. i hate all signs of weaknesses. i can`t have a moment where i slip up. being around people, it`s this constant reminder that i am not happy. that`s why i prefer to do things alone & prefer to be left alone because i can`t truly relinquish in their delights. i do away with these emotions before i revel in them & show everyone my weakness. i fall. fall into music: maxwell, it was michael. books, which was my escape during middle school. dancing. an outlet for all of these frustrations & building unhappiness & anger. what am i suppose to do? everything just adds on to it. it all adds on to HOW i am. & how unhappy i am with HOW i am & how i can never be satisfied with anything. the building obsessions, the materialistic dreams, shit don`t even matter because at the end of the day, i`m not happy with what`s inside or what`s happened. & the worse part is that i have accepted a long time ago that this is just the way things are.


- EM.

...i love you too Nat <3 no homo.

- DI

i guess i love 'em?